This time of year is a real struggle for me both physically and mentally. For those of you that know me well enough you are aware that I struggle with some health issues and also some depression. This time of year it’s all exacerbated. This year I seem to be a little more melancholy than my norm. It’s bad enough that the sun doesn’t shine enough and it’s too cold really for me to enjoy being outside to soak any of what is there up. I desperately need my sunshine to keep me fully functional and sane. Just keeping it real! But then there has been so much loss around me, one of my children suffers from depression and was recently suicidal, and then I found out the other day someone so very dear to me has breast cancer.
I don’t even know what I’m feeling at this point, and in trying to figure it out I have to also keep a reality check on the whole situation because none of this is about me. It is about them. I love them … ALL of them so much and my heart breaks to see my loved ones hurting for any reason.
It’s strange right now for me. A woman who if given the chance could talk your ears off doesn’t know what to say. I’m still trying to process everything, and at the same time be there for my loved ones. I think I fear that I won’t be there for them the way that they need me to be. That I won’t know what they need – when they need it and because of it they’ll suffer more. I fear I’ll be selfish and perhaps this very post is being selfish and I don’t want that either, but I’m struggling with my feelings and I’m being honest about it. This is something that is still new to me and that I struggle with. I might be able to talk your ear off, but I rarely in many years have been truly open and honest about my true feelings. Until, the last couple years I guess when I started being real with myself and working on things from the inside out to fix my brokenness.
I fear losing them … I feel like something is crushing my heart when I think of it. So I force myself to think of the things about them that make me smile so that I can bear it. But other times I just feel almost numb and not sure what my emotions are or where they are going to next.