Before you begin reading this I want to say I struggled with whether or not to post it. It’s very personal and while I’m a talker and share many things openly there are many things I still tend to keep private, but in the spirit of the “I WILL NO LONGER BE A PRISONER TO FEAR” theme here, I am posting it. So if you are a judgmental person feel free to keep your comments to yourself, and don’t try to hinder my growth. I’m doing my level best to move past what’s blocking my path and I don’t need nor do I want negative influences in my life.
I have declared 2014 the year of NO MORE FEAR! This is my theme and my new
motto is …
I WILL NO LONGER BE A PRISONER TO FEAR!
Once upon a time there was young and practically fearless young girl who took life by the horns and felt exhilarated by the challenges and FEAR well if that was a factor at any point it was simply seen as another challenge and not one that would EVER stand in her way. One day though, as is the way of life, this young girl grew into a young woman who began to live a very different life. Now, married and very uncertain of herself, her marriage, her husband … well quite frankly her entire life and fear began to slowly creep in.
Then came along the first child. The pregnancy was wrought in turmoil. So much sickness, so much depression and despair was to follow. Now, not only was she married and unsure of her life, but they had brought a child into an uncertain and unhealthy relationship and because of many factors (upbringing, the child, her illnesses, etc.) this young woman felt unable to care for herself and became completely co-dependent on her husband.
Little by little this demon called fear began to cause her to make decisions she would not have normally made. So many mistakes, and yes regrets … sigh
Then, there was more illness, and she found out she was expecting again after uprooting her family and moving to be able to care for her then ill parents. This all became to much for the husband, and well … without too many details he left when the new baby was just 2 months old.
Something happened that day … this young woman suddenly was no longer able to cope with it all. The heartbreak of losing him, especially at this critical time, feeling betrayed, lost, let down, angry, and such a myriad of emotions. She had no escape herself as she had a new baby, a 10 year old, and two sick parents to care for. She felt … so alone and trapped. She couldn’t breathe. She was simply terrified.
Fear … it had taken such a stronghold in her life at this point she became almost unable to function. She became depressed, desolate, a once normally empathetic person began to feel apathy for the first time in her life. Of course the apathy came after a long depression. Performing life as a robot and going completely numb to survive, and when not needed the couch often became her destination. Lifeless and hopeless … but one day she awoke to what was happening and she new she had to fight. If she wasn’t able to fight for herself at this point, then she had to fight for her children, for her family … which she loved so much.
The fight was hard, it was long, and it created even more fear than you can imagine.
Because of illness, depression, and not being able to leave one parent unattended welfare became a way of life that she NEVER thought she would have to live. She had started accepting cash, food stamps, and Medicaid.
So, the first step was to get herself and her son help. Which she did. They both received counseling to help them to move forward with their lives. Then she had to get a job, but more FEAR crept in and in a big way. Now, she’s afraid –
no one will hire me because …
- I have no skills
- I’m sick, and if they do hire me they’ll fire me when they realize how sick I am
- I’m recently divorced, single mom and caring for two ill parents
… and the list could go on all day like this.
Well, she was right. No one hired her. She did have some skills, but they were outdated. She was looking for a job at a time when there were so few jobs and tons of competition. But the one thing that is not mentioned in all of that stuff above …
… is they sensed her fear and uncertainty when at the interview.
So … this no longer young woman, but a mother of two who needed to earn a living decided to do something bold. It might not sound bold to you, but put yourself in her shoes. Raised in a Baptist home where men are heads of house and woman are homemakers. This worked great for her parents, but this was not the hand she was dealt. She was now the head of her house and she had to act accordingly. She started a business.
All sorts of new fears of course crept in. What if …
- I can’t do it
- I fail
- my illness / depression get in the way
- I lose my welfare before I’m ready and can’t survive
- I find out I have HD
- I can’t make enough money
- if I’m simply no good at it
And on and on they went. But she’s been facing her fears one at a time as needed and moving forward one step at a time with these motto’s.
1. Fake it till you make it
2. Just keep doing the next thing
And that is how she survived it and got as far as she did …
Back to today and first person. LOL!
I am declaring 2014 the year of NO MORE FEAR to conquer the rest of my fears. I am almost there, but I have some big fears left to conquer. I’m tired of living in fear.
Fear #1: I’ve been business for 4 years now, and am still on minimal welfare. No more cash, very little food stamps, and Medicaid. This is the year I want to earn enough to get out of the welfare system. I don’t want to be afraid of losing those benefits any longer. I want to remove this obstacle from my life so that I can move forward with my life and be completely self reliant financially speaking.
Fear #2: I realized the fear of having HD has significantly impacted my decisions in my personal and business life. No more, I need to make a decision on how to proceed. See, this fear did not use to really be a big fear because I believed I wasn’t at risk, and then when I found out I was at risk I didn’t think I needed to worry until I was in my 40’s. My mother tested positive at 42. I am almost 45 and still am not symptomatic, and brain scans show no signs of deterioration but the only true method to know is to have the blood test. I need to decide to test or not, and then be able to live with that decision. I thought I did not want to know, but I’m wondering if knowing will move me past the fear. I need to seek some counsel on this in order to move past it and make the right decisions. There are other factors to consider as well. How it will impact my children, how it will impact my future, my mental health, how it will impact my means to get insurance (health, long term care, life, etc.).
Fear #3: Deciding to live with or without my ex husband. Haha … yes you can laugh if you must, or make your jokes. I still love him. I still depend on him. I have to decide whether or not I will continue to be a part of his life and allow him to continue to be a part of my life. This one I need to seek counsel as well.
Much prayer and definitely more counseling are needed. I must seek the Lord’s will and what I want my life to ultimately look like.
When I look back over the years, especially the last 4 years and I see how much I have overcome with the help of some amazing people that God has so graciously supplied me with I am so very thankful to have come so far, but I still have some work to do.
With the Lord’s help and the help of those He has sent me …
I WILL NO LONGER BE A PRISONER TO FEAR!
After writing this I had my one-on-one time with my health and wellness coach. We talked a great deal about what I wrote, and what it means and we set some very clear goals for me to accomplish to move forward.
My first goal was to join The Business Network (TBN) as soon as possible. I joined right away and will be working toward my next goal of setting up one-on-one’s with other TBN members. I’m looking forward to getting out there and networking more, but we are a one car family and my son needs it for work. Please pray it doesn’t pose to big of an obstacle for me.