I was just reading one of the devotionals that I receive in my inbox from Proverbs 31 Ministries titled, “Am I a Mean Girl?“, and the articles author Dannah Gresh goes on to talk about an experience that she had and that she had noticed in herself that she might have a bit of a mean girl spirit in her, but then she witnessed an elderly woman showing nothing but kindness and saw the type of attitude she’d like to carry.
Anyway, her story really resonated with me. Sometimes, I’m the mean girl and perhaps way more often than I should be. The one person I’m meanest too is my ex. Why? Probably not for the reason’s you or even him would think. I’m not angry anymore, but I use my mean girl attitude or spirit to put up a wall of protection around me. To protect me from being hurt again. See I learned as many in this life have, that other’s cannot be trusted through the heartbreak of a broken marriage. My marriage was broken long before it ended in divorce and I learned that he never trusted me from the very beginning because he had grew up with mistrust in his life from an early age.
Now, I have a strong need to protect myself because I do still love him, and it would be so easy for me to allow him to step back into my life. The problem with this wall of protection is it causes me to sometimes become the mean girl, it doesn’t allow me to just relax and enjoy life, and it keeps me in a perpetual state of emotional and spiritual stress. But I’m so fearful of letting down my guard that I keep that wall strong, and I’m tired of the constant battle with feeling the need to protect myself all the time from the man that I love, the father of my children.
I desire to find a Godly balance between protecting myself emotionally, spiritually (1 Peter 5:8), and also being a loving and kind woman who shows love and mercy even to those who have wronged me (Ephesians 4:32). You see, some walls are dangerous … not only to ourselves but also to others. My children are watching my behavior, and what I am teaching them about building walls. I don’t want them to learn to build destructive walls, but healthy spiritual walls.
Just like the walls of Jericho had to come tumbling down so do dangerous and destructive walls, and when they come down they will likely leave a wake of destruction in their path just as the destruction of Jericho took place. (Joshua 6:1-27)
PS Incidentally, I of course decided to do some Bible study and soul searching on this very topic and as I was researching I ran across this little gem. For some light hearted humor I thought you all might enjoy. I guess the blog came up in my search because it’s called “Build Your Walls, Guard Your Gates“. Now, I have no idea what the rest of the blog is about so read at your own peril, but I thought the story was funny.